Malign hoovers: What are they?
Malign hoovers are designed to provoke a reaction out of the victim of narcissistic abuse. This reaction rewards the narcissist with narcissistic supply, otherwise known as fuel, (their drug of choice) on many levels.
The difference between malign and benign hoovers: Malign hoovers are most often utilised when you have either been discarded, or you have gotten away, and you are discarding the narcissist. They can include nasty emails, turning up in your part of town and death staring you, calling the department of human services to report you, or ringing the police to lie about your behaviour. Malign hoovers can range from covert, underhanded antagonizing and stalking that can’t be proven, to extreme vandalism, obvious stalking and full-blown crime.
What is the purpose of the malign hoover? To push you to breaking point, to get what they want from you, whatever that may be, and to maintain the control. Malign hoovers can be so intimidating that some abuse survivors go back to the formal relationship just to make the narcissist stop. It is the ultimate manipulation into forcing you into reconnecting.
Benign hoovers on the other hand are aimed at drawing you back into the relationship with your narcissist. They are usually the friendly unwanted text asking how you are going, a bunch of flowers on your doorstep, trying to catch your eye in town, deliberately turning up at the same restaurant or coffee shop to try to grab your attention, say hello, and draw you into a conversation. However, if you think about these hoovers are also quite malign in some ways. For example; snow whites stepmother gave her a poisoned apple. With every benign hoover comes a hint of destruction.
Both kinds of hoovers are toxic and are aimed at getting fuel out of you. In any case, fuel is attention, emotion, information, etc.
Narcissist’s need fuel to survive. Our emotions, (good are bad) or our attention, positive or negative, fills them up and makes the narcissist feel important again. We don’t understand it because we don’t need to be fueled all throughout the day with other people’s emotion or attention to achieve our goals. Your emotion to these people is like petrol is to a car.
The narcissistic parent and fuel
The narcissistic parent has based their entire existence, and yours on the provision of fuel. The goading, the baiting, the crazy-making and the deliberate opposition to their child’s needs are all to gain their child’s attention. They want the child to beg and plead, argue and yell, etc. Fuel is the driver for triangulating family members, breaking bonds, telling lies, and confusing the entire family. Chaos drives the narcissistic parent, and the fuel that comes with it is the reason they can get up out of bed, get dressed and get about the day. When there is no drama, no excitement and no-one to gossip about, the narcissist goes into a deep depression and unfortunately becomes a dilapidated mess.
No Contact, the narcissistic parent and fuel…..
Rejecting a narcissist hurts them. If you really want to annoy one, reject them and see what happens. They literally cannot handle it. It means you are no longer available for fuel, for drama, or chaos. Whatever it was took from you to fuel themselves, you are now refusing to give to them.
For me, it was drama and reactions. My narcissistic parent loved to throw some bait at me. I would take it, call them out, try and get justice, and then it was on. This fuel would spill over into gossip about me, and victimhood. They would drink up this delicious fuel for days complaining about me, gossiping, saying nasty things and playing the victim to my enabling parent.
I was the perfect fuel source, and now I’m gone. So when they see me in town, what do they do? They try to get reactive fuel out of me again. It makes them feel powerful and in control of me and the situation.
I have trialled no contact three times. This is my fourth. In each, no contact situation my enabling parent would always be the one to find me and to make peace. They would manage to drag me back into the toxic vortex at my narcissistic parent’s influence. My narcissist was desperate to have me back to get a reaction or two and to have another go at scapegoating me. The covert narcissist always gets other people to do their dirty work.
Since my enabling parent has died there isn’t anyone game enough to try to hoover me back in, and I have never received a benign hoover since; however, I have received many antagonising malignant little hoovers.
When you go no contact will you receive a malign hoover?
It depends on your breed of a narcissist, how clever and deceptive they are, whether they discarded you, or you discarded them, how many times you’ve already engaged in the no contact dance, how cultured they are, how revengeful they are and how big a bang you went out with. What you will find though is that if your narcissist tends to play the victim a lot, then they will want you to be the bad person, and they will make sure they keep it that way. Unless they’re completely psychotic the more sensible narcissists aren’t going to do anything that could mess with their credibility, or that will lead to exposure. That way, they would be a bad person, and they aren’t going to swap roles with you. A narcissist will more likely do subtle things to provoke you into reactive behaviour.
It also depends on how malignant they are. Are they a psychopath? a forthright overt narcissist? A sly covert with no self-esteem? And do they engage in criminal behaviour?
Some narcissistic parents don’t want to see the back of their adult children, don’t chase them, but will use any given hoover opportunity to provoke them. Others send gifts all the time, presents for the grandkids, etc., or they try to reach out through other people. Some send manipulative emails, texts etc.
We must not forget here that if the narcissist has other sources of supply that they have always preferred over you, and if you exposed them really badly than it is unlikely you will receive a benign hoover.
Narcissists live for the hoover. The type of hoover depends on the situation. I discarded my narcissist after they discarded me. I was never meant to leave you see. The isolation was meant to get to me, I was meant to realise I couldn’t live without my family, and I was supposed to go crawling back, but I’m too stubborn for that.
My narcissist isn’t a fan of the benign hoover. They’ve performed it two times if that, and would prefer people to grovel for their forgiveness. They tend to be more of a silent treatment punisher who throws out malign bait every now again.
I get pity plays in public places, goading type behaviours, and stalking in town. My narcissist likes to antagonize me. It may seem harmless to others. It’s not really though. It’s parasitically performed to annoy, to distress me, and to get me to talk to them, to ask them if they are ok, or to tell them off for what they’re doing.
So far they have deliberately turned up in town on the same day, at the same time as me on a weekly basis for two years, just to walk past me. That went on until I changed my shopping day. They also gatecrashed my birthday dinner on my 30th birthday while I was on my third bout of no contact. A family member told them where I would be. My narcissist followed me from restaurant to restaurant and sat down up the end of each restaurant crying and telling the waitress how mean I was for going no contact with them. They got a lot of fuel that night.
It is all about the fuel. For the first time in a year, I saw them a few weeks ago at the lake on a Thursday at 1.30 pm. I was working at the time, and it is my regular day and time to go to the lake for work. Low and behold, after they saw me on that Thursday they returned at 1.30 pm the following Thursday. I drove past to see if they were there and they were.
What do they want from me?
They want me to yell at them, to tell them to stop stalking me, and to leave me alone. If I did this, it would give them delicious fuel. They would go home all pumped up and heightened, call every single sibling, gossip about me, and discuss how deranged I am. They would be buzzing all day after a reaction from me, and would probably have so much energy from the negative fuel I gave them that they would clean the entire house.
Every time I see them, I am thrown a line, a bit of bait, and a malignant covert, very sly hoover. I can’t prove these are hoovers, and that is the nature of covert narcissism. It is hard to detect, and the victim is the only one that really knows what the agenda is behind what the narcissist is doing.
Yes, but these are harmless hoovers, one may think
No, hoovers like the above are not harmless hoovers at all. The intent is to annoy the victim, to provoke them into a reaction and to suggest in a passive-aggressive manner that they are going to remain in the same vicinity as their victim, and there is nothing they can do about it. This person has abused their victim for a lifetime, lied about them, ruined their reputation and committed other disgusting acts. Its actually very painful to think that a parent could want to incite such emotional violence on their child, and do everything they can to provoke their adult child into giving them yet another emotional feed.
It is inevitable that at some point, a narcissistic parent will try to hoover their adult child in some way. They may hoover themselves, get someone else to do, or try to hoover them through flying monkeys. Either way, once you go no contact, there will be hoovers.
Hurt and pain are integral in the narcissist dynamic. Whether your narcissist is male or female, an intimate partner, a family member, friend or colleague, there will at some juncture be the appearance of hurt. It is the primary source, usually an intimate partner, who carries the largest burden of this hurt, since it is they who spends the most time with our kind, is entwined in our manipulations and suffers the worst of the devaluation and discard. Whilst the incidence of hurtful behaviour cannot be denied in the devaluation, there may be some comprehension that it occurs because the Formal Relationship between narcissist and victim is continuing. Judged by the victim and a normal person’s standards, that hurt should not occur at all, but once one understands the nature of our behaviour, it is understandable, albeit not accepted, that it occurs during devaluation.
The hurt that is occasioned by the discard is like any that occurs when somebody has found their romantic and intimate relationship terminated. It is safe to say however that when the cessation occurs as a consequence of our discarding, the hurt is amplified by the cruel nature of the discard, the confusion that surrounds it and the contrast with the golden period that once shone so brilliantly. From pedestal to the thorny ground. Often in a matter of weeks.
The hurt is understandable and recognisable when it occurs in the context of the devaluation period and the consequent discard. Yet, what of the aftermath and the hereafter? The hurt invariably continues following the discard. I do not refer to those dark, lonely days as you attempt to piece together what happened. That howling wilderness where nothing makes sense and you are left to pick yourself up and tackle the daily agony of what has happened to you. The gnawing hurt of wanting us back, the bewildering mystery of why somebody who supposedly loved you could do such a thing to you, the stark realisation that we have moved on to someone else without so much as a backwards glance towards you. The misery of unanswered questions, the wretchedness of the emptiness that hangs around your day like a spectre and the shame as the drip, drip, drip of realisation causes you to ascertain you have been conned.
Harsh as those things are, they are the residue of your entanglement with us. The collateral effects of us taking from you. These are all difficult enough to comprehend and deal with, especially in an eroded and worn down state. But why do we return and pile hatred onto the pain, misery onto the woe and malice onto the hurt? Why do we engage in the Malign Follow-Up Hoover?
The Malign Hoover occurs when we revisit you, in many different ways, sometimes in person, sometimes through technology and sometimes through others with the intent of hurting your further. Why do we do this? Have we not made you suffer enough? Have we not had our fill of your begging, pleading, loving, attempts to make us happy? Why can we not just leave you be? You do not even have the less hurtful experience of benign follow-up hoovers where we seek positive fuel and to charm you back into the Formal Relationship. This is pure, unadulterated malice, directed at you time and time again.
Let us start by ascertaining which of our kind utilises this hoover? The answer is, all of our kind. The Lesser. The Mid-Range and the Greater all engage in the application of the Malign FUH. It may not happen with every victim, but it part of each school of narcissist’s arsenal.
When is it used? It occurs when the Formal Relationship has ended, thus when you have been discarded or if you have managed to escape.
How does it occur? As ever, since it is a hoover, it relies on the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria being fulfilled but there are additional considerations and motivations which you ought to be aware of.
The Greater Narcissist. If you have been discarded, you can expect a Malign FUH reasonably soon post discard, because the energy levels and intrinsic malevolence of the Greater will facilitate this type of hoover more than the Mid-Range or the Lesser. The Greater has an enhanced desire to punish you for failing us (hence why you were devalued and discarded) but those treatments are not deemed enough. You failed. We see this as a criticism of us and therefore it is justifiable to punish you. The Malign FUH is also deployed because the fuel we gain from your negative emotional responses to being hurt, assists us in powering our ongoing seduction of your replacement. Thus, not only are you being punished for your perceived failures, you are being used to ensure that your replacement is embedded and seduced.
The Malign FUH allows us to triangulate you with the new replacement and it allows us to demonstrate to the façade that you are trouble and this is why we have to be harsh with you (we have been left with no choice but to do this – or so the façade is made to believe).
The Greater may switch to a Benign FUH at a later stage (usually when your replacement is being devalued) and some positive hoover fuel is required or even to tee you up to return to the position of primary source. It is the case however that following your discard you will face Malign FUHs and they will arise shortly after the discard has happened so long as the trigger and criteria occur.
Where you have escaped you will face the Initial Grand Hoover first of all in order to suck you back into the Formal Relationship. If this fails you will have a period of respite, many weeks, perhaps months, as we focus on the acquisition of a new primary source and remain away from you as a consequence of your resistance denoting that we are wasting our energy and you are an unattractive fuel prospect. Once our fuel levels have increased again and have done so for a while, then subject to the trigger and criteria the Malign FUHs will occur. As above this is to punish you, but the malice will be greater because you escaped us, the ultimate act of treachery. The new primary source will be in place, therefore there is no need to for the fuel that is generated to seduce this person (although it may be partially used to power the ongoing golden period). More likely, the fuel gathered from these Malign Hoovers is so potent and effective that we use the power generated to keep hammering you with more and more hoovers. This creates a dangerous situation because there will be a combining of a Malicious Obsession and a Fuel Obsession so you are lodged in the sixth sphere thus there are repeated triggers. The fuel has been obtained and thus the criteria is more readily going to be met.
If you have escaped your narcissist and you find that you are being subjected to repeated and sustained malign hoovers of this nature, you have been unfortunate enough to become lodged in the sixth sphere owing to one or probably both of these obsessions.
The Mid-Range and The Lesser Narcissists have far less interest in punishing you. They do occur and if so, they will be shortly after your discard and short and sharp in nature. These narcissists do not have the energy levels to embark on a sustained campaign of Malign Hoovers purely for punishment, they need to utilise the fuel to gain more fuel from their seduction. It can happen, but their concern is to focus on the new primary source and therefore their malign hoovers are designed to power their seduction of your replacement. Accordingly, if you have been discarded, the Mid-Range or Lesser will be focused on your replacement and if they deploy Malign FUHs this will be done to provide them with fuel to secure the seduction and embed this replacement. Once this is achieved, the Malign FUHs will tail off.
If you have escaped, you will also experience an Initial Grand Hoover from these types, but if it fails they will need to focus their efforts on securing a new primary source and gaining that fuel promptly. They will not have the energy or desire to maintain a malicious campaign against you as well. You are more likely to be left alone as they deal with their fuel shortage and then any follow-up hoovers which occur down the line are far more likely to be benign in nature, since the seduction and embedding has already taken place.
Accordingly, Malign FUHs are predominantly, albeit not exclusively, the preserve of the Greater Narcissist.
This is not complete however without some consideration of you, the recipient of these Malign FUHs. Dependent on what category of empathic individual you are, this will also impact on the nature and purpose of the hoovers.
Versus an Empath. This will be done to draw negative fuel and potentially to draw you back in to the Formal Relationship so the pain stops, but Benign FUHs are more likely to be used to achieve this latter aim with the empath.
Versus a Super Empath. This is done to draw fuel only. The Super Empath will not be drawn back into the relationship through Malign FUHs, but they will seek to resist the impact. They may well provide fuel from their responses of frustration, hurt and anger, but we are aware that there is no prospect of returning the Super Empath to the Formal Relationship. That can only be done through the Initial Grand Hoover or Benign FUHs.
Versus a Co-Dependent. Again, the Malign FUH will draw fuel but the Co-Dependent is, of all the empathic types, the one who is most likely to be pulled back in because of a Malign FUH as they see it as the only way to halt the agony that is being caused.
What do Malign FUHs appear like? There are hundreds of different ways they manifest. Here is a selection.
1. Posting your mobile number on a sex website so you receive repeated calls harassing you;
2. Shouting insults at you when we see you;
3. Putting a brick through your window;
4. Slashing the tyres on your car;
5. Following you and glaring at you;
6. Sending funeral wreaths to your home;
7. Sending vicious text messages and e-mails;
8. Having Lieutenants contact you to insult you;
9. Daubing insults in paint on your car or house;
10. Smearing dog mess on your windows;
11. Threatening to contact social services (or indeed contacting them) so you are investigated;
12. Hacking into your computers;
13. Leaving notes and messages containing threats and warnings;
14. Posting comments about you which are unpleasant on social media;
15. Uploading intimate footage of you onto porn sites;
16. Posting intimate pictures of you on the internet and/or to your family and friends;
17. Incurring financial liabilities on your behalf;
18. Setting fire to possessions you have left with us and dumping the charred remains on your drive and/or sending you footage;
19. Threatening to steal/harm your pets;
20. Repeatedly driving by your home or workplace.
21. Reporting you to the police and/or other authorities so you are arrested/investigated;
22. Seeking a restraining order against you on trumped up grounds.
How do you deal with the Malign FUH? Understand whether you are at risk of it happening by considering the points above. Stay out of the spheres of influence, make yourself a F.R.E.E. in the hope that the hoover execution criteria are not met (chief amongst which is reducing all potential contact as far as you can) and thereafter bracing yourself. If they keep happening, avoid giving fuel as best as you can and seek assistance from others to either build a buffer between you and us (thus making the criteria harder to fill for a hoover to take place) or escalate the matter to the relevant authorities on the basis of harassment and/or specific criminal behaviour.
Understand how it happens, why it happens and thus you can prepare yourself.
What has been the nature of the Malign Follow-Up Hoovers that you have experienced?
A malign hoover is an attempt to secure negative narcissistic supply.
The narcissist is either just after a dose of narcissistic supply, or wants to get the target back into a relationship with them.
In brief this is the way the relationship with a narcissist goes down:
- The Idealization Phase: Hooking the target in by creating as much positive emotion in the target as possible, mirroring the target, emotionally addicting the target, gaining power and control over the target).
- The Devalue Phase: Abusing the target, getting negative narcissistic supply as well as positive narcissistic supplyfrom the target, sweet and mean treatment, spoon-feeding the target smaller emotional highs, to keep him/her around and unable to leave.
- The Discard: The narcissist discards, when s/he has found a new source of narcissistic supply,
or the target leaves when he/she has had enough.
Maybe the narcissist misjudges how far s/he can go in this balancing act of the "sweet and mean" treatment, which is alternately spoon-feeding emotional highs and abusing and the target decides to get fed up with these "games" and leaves.
This is an example of a hoover which is happening shortly after the relationship has ended. The hoover is not working, as the target recognises that the narcissist is simply after narcissistic supply or attention.
"Attention"- in a way narcissistic supply is a fancy word for attention.
"Running around throwing dirt on my name, cause you knew that I'd call you up"- This is an example of a malign hoover and the narcissists slander of the victim.
"Showing up at a party that the target is attending" - is an example of a hoover
Slander of the victim accompanies the devalue and discard phase. During the slander the narcissist pretends to be a victim, while villainising the true victim. The narcissist has done all this before. She needs to maintain her public image so that she can secure future narcissistic supply through new victims. Internally she also needs to maintain her false grandiose self-image. She avoids accountability for her actions.
The more devastated the victim feels about the end of the relationship with the narcissist, the more powerful and important she feels. She doesn't want the victim to recover and find someone new.
This is another example of a hoover. This hoover is happening after the relationship has been over for quite some time and can be called a "reengagement". This hoover is working.
The target has been hoovered several times and knows that the idealization phase has never lasted, but has turned into devalue and discard.
Yet the idealization phase has left a crackthat can be opened again and again by the narcissist. She knows just when to call, just when the target has got back on his feet and is about to get over her for good. The narcissist comes back into the victims life.
"Jessie - you always do this every time I get back on my feet!"
The victim is helpless, because the idealization phase is so wonderful and he is lonely trying to get over her and emotionally addicted to her.
The music expresses his feelings of loneliness and the ache and longing for love.
He knows he will get hurt againand his life will get disrupted again, as he has experienced several abusive cyclesbefore. But is unable to withstand the wonderful idealization phase and isn't aware that this is an abusive cycle.
"Tell me all about our little trailer by the sea...doesn't that sound sweet (ideal). Your dreams are never free, but you can always sell any dream to me."
The narcissist creates an intense emotional experience, an emotional high. This emotional high turns into the devalue phase and leads to the discard. The hoovering is the beginning of the next round of the abusive cycle: Idealize-devalue-idealize-devalue-idealize-devalue. Each round of the abusive cycles can get worse.
He is pulled back in by the next idealization phase.
Getting back together with the narcissist is a mistake - and he knows it.
The Narcissistic Cycle of AbuseThis cycle of abuse diagram is on the webpage Thrive after abuse, by Dana
Hoovering is where the narcissist tries to win the victim back, because maybe things aren't going so well for the narcissist and he is in need of some narcissistic supply.
He either wants to get the victim back for a new round of idealisation, devalue, discard and hoover.
he wants to at least get some either positive or negative supply from the victim, after the victim has begun to recover slightly and is beginning to move on.
Withstanding a Hoover and Staying "No Contact"
5 Ways Malignant Narcissists 'Hoover' Their Victims
With the holiday season upon us, this is a prime time for malignant narcissists to engage in what we call “hoovering” – the gift none of us want, but one that keeps on giving. Hoovering is when, like a Hoover vacuum, the narcissist comes back around to suck their previous victims back into the toxic vortex of their abuse. As therapist Andrea Schneider, LCSW, notes, “When the cycle of idealize, devalue, discard is complete, a person with narcissistic qualities will often return to prior sources of narcissistic supply to see if he or she can tap such individuals for more ego-fueling attention, emotional reaction, sex, money, business advantages, a place to live, or other affirmations of his or her existence. The Hoover maneuver was coined after the name of a popular vacuum cleaner, alluding to the fact abusers often attempt to suction up narcissistic supply from prior sources.”
Narcissists may Hoover in a number of ways: by provoking the victim, waxing poetically about how they’ve changed, or even more sadistically, flaunting a new partner to their previous one after a particularly callous silent treatment or discard. Here are some of the most common ways they Hoover, and how to spot the signs you have been the victim of this manipulation:
1. The “I miss you,” or “I want to be friends,” Hoover.
This type of Hoover normally occurs when the narcissist has already drained his or her current sources of narcissistic supply or wants to tap into the resources of a prior victim. In order to regain control over the previous victim, the narcissist will claim that they “miss” and “love” you, that they simply cannot live without you, or that they need your help with something (usually a manufactured emergency or fabricated illness).
Some narcissists will even suggest that you remain “friends” with them just to preserve the relationship and keep you as part of their harem and ongoing rotation cycle. Beware: this, too, is a form of manipulation. A recent research study conducted byMogilski and Welling (2017) showed that those who had darker personality traits such as narcissism, psychopathy, and duplicity tended to stay friends with their exes out of pragmatism, sex and access to resources.
When encountering this type of Hoover, remind yourself, “They don’t miss me. They miss controlling me. And I don’t miss them either – I miss the fantasy of who I thought they were.” If you get stuck reminiscing over the loving moments in your relationship with this partner, be sure to write down incidents of abuse and mistreatment to ground yourself in the reality of what it was truly like. Go through the list with a trauma-informed counselor if you can, so you can work through the cognitive dissonance that is sure to arise from such gaslighting.
2. Flaunting a new partner Hoover.
The most sadistic of narcissists will go out of their way to use their Hoover to inflict even more cruelty and damage on their former victims, especially if they see those victims start to move forward with their lives or these victims “discarded” them first by leaving the narcissist. They do this by flaunting their latest partner to the previous victim, proclaiming how “happy” they are to be with this new person.
They may disguise their true malice by claiming that they’re just trying to give you an “update” on their life, or to get you to “move on” and not “mislead you” (even though you were already moving on and they know this). As Dr. George Simon notes, “A rationalization is the excuse an aggressor makes for engaging in what they know is an inappropriate or harmful behavior. It can be an effective tactic, especially when the explanation or justification the aggressor offers makes just enough sense that any reasonably conscientious person is likely to fall for it. Its a powerful tactic because it not only serves to remove any internal resistance the aggressor might have about doing what they want to do (quieting any qualms of conscience they might have) but also to keep others off their back. If the aggressor can convince you theyre justified in whatever theyre doing, then theyre freer to pursue their goals without interference.”
The truth is, this type of Hoover is a way for the narcissist to get under your skin and prevent you from moving forward. It serves to manufacture a love triangle (also known as triangulation) and get you to compete for the narcissist’s attention. It also instills in you a sense of feeling less than so you endlessly compare yourself to the new victim and what they may be receiving from the narcissist that you never received. It entertains the narcissist and gives them an ego stroke to depict you – no matter how attractive, desirable, intelligent, successful or powerful you may be – as someone who longs for them. It gaslights you into believing that if only you had been “better” in some way, you would have been “chosen” or treated better by the narcissist.
The narcissist may even speak condescendingly to you while doing this, claiming they are “concerned” for your welfare as they pretend that you are obsessed with them, even though they are the ones tracking your every move and reaching out to you months later to drop a provocative bombshell. This is a form of gaslighting and ambient abuse. As therapist Sheri Heller notes, “The ambient abuser ostensibly only wants the best for the target. The ambient abuser behaves altruistically, concealing the underlying motive to get the upper hand.The ambient abusers appearance of benevolence, honesty and generosity is seductive and disorients the target and assists in ensuring the necessary leverage needed to manage the target and diminish her self worth.”
Don’t fall for this. Know that the new target will be mistreated just like you and that you are simply witnessing the love bombing and honeymoon phase. No matter what the narcissist appears to “give” to their latest victim, their lack of empathy and excessive sense of entitlement will never change. They are just as self-absorbed as they always were. They have simply found another person to believe in their false mask. Be sure to ask yourself, “If someone was truly happy in their new relationship, would they waste any energy telling a former partner who has already moved forward about it?” You are the lucky one to have gotten away.
3. The “changed man or woman” Hoover.
In this Hoover, the narcissistic or sociopathic individual appears to have turned a whole new corner. They now “repent” their sins and everything they’ve done to you. They cry crocodile tears and show compelling displays of remorse for having abused you. They may even claim to have found God again. If you have encountered a long-standing pattern of abuse from this person, you can be sure that this is simply another manipulation tactic used to ensnare you back into the relationship. They have not changed, and likely never will.
As Dr. Martha Stout notes, sociopaths rely on pity ploys to win over empathic people. She writes, “Pity is another socially valuable response, and it should be reserved for innocent people who are in genuine pain or who have fallen on misfortune. If, instead, you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to 100 percent that you are dealing with a sociopath.”
4. Holiday Hoovering.
Any one of these types of Hoovers can also take place during the holidays, but Holiday Hoovering is a special type of monstrosity in the impact it can take on a victim due to its timing alone. After all, holidays are especially memorable and memories of a cruel discard, a horrific silent treatment, or a particularly callous Hoover can take an even more enormous toll on a victim who is simply trying to enjoy themselves, as they deserve. It can “anchor” that event in the victim’s mind with even more ferocity, causing them to associate what should be a joyful, celebratory and happy time with the abusive treatment of a former partner. Thanksgiving, Christmas, or even special occasions like Birthdays are all fair game in a narcissist’s mind to swoop in and sabotage as they play the Grinch. When they are no longer with you, they will still attempt to rent space inside your head by sending a provocative text under the guise of wishing you a Happy Holiday, flaunting their new relationship so you feel an exaggerated sense of loneliness, or attempting to restart the relationship during a time you may be feeling a heightened sense of romanticism and nostalgia, thus more susceptible to their mind games.
5. The indirect or social media Hoover.
A narcissist can also indirectly Hoover you without directly contacting you. They may send a “messenger” (also known as a flying monkey) to pass on hearsay about their new life or relationship; or, in a more lazy manner, they may use social media to brag about their new relationship or write status updates they know will provoke you into responding. They may even drop by places they know you frequent or your house and pretend it was a “coincidence.” That’s why it’s best to have the narcissist blocked on all social media platforms as well as on your phone, and to document cases of stalking and harassment. Don’t leave any door or window open for them to enter. And if they do enter in any way, block them from trespassing again. You deserve freedom from the mind games of a malignant narcissist.
Hoover narcissist malign
You can, I start to move, slowly at first, then faster, you want to go deeper - I move closer. Some sound - someone entered, your ass is compressed, I do not move, so as not to hurt you. The characteristic sounds in the toilet, the noise of the flushing water and we are alone again. I make several movements, my girlfriend breathes often.Malign Hoover
Voluptuously he rolled his eyes, -. it was. - She is still standing. - did not allow to finish the phrase. He smiled, looked into her eyes with surprise, gently caressing the weighty flesh with his palm, and Oksana, laughing loudly, after a short pause blurted out: Its.
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I licked the drops of his nectar with my tongue. The second and third portions of semen were not as strong as the first, and the semen covered his belly and. Pubis.